All our family members pass on to a world better than ours. They sit in Heaven and sip lemonade and play dominoes and watch over us...all the time. ALL THE TIME!!! Do you realize what that means?
Remember that time you had too much wine and your wife asked if she could "stick that thing in your butt?" and you said "Yeah." Yeah, well Grandma does. I bet she's proud. Remember that time you "accidentally" came across the hot transvestite site? Yeah, you thought to yourself you'd try it so long as he had a nice rack to take your mind off it? Yeah Uncle Henry does.
AP: Last Thursday the Vatican petitioned Jesus to prevent unauthorized viewing of family members from Heaven. Churches around the globe have been pressuring the Vatican for months now. It is believed not only are we being watched illegally but the information gained during those times is being used against to later be weighed for entry into Heaven.
Supreme Court Chief of Justice, John G. Roberts, Jr. sent comment via email:
"All citizens of the United States of America, whether dead or alive, are bound to the Constitution of the United States of America. The Fourth Amendment protects the private rights of US Citizens." "The Privacy Act of 1974 is like 30+ years old, Do you think we're kidding about it?"
The Commander in Chief of the United States himself, George W. Bush, has petitioned the Lord on our behalf also. "I have personally spoken with the Baby Jebus. He has assured me that in the battle against evil and illicit use of our wanking, he will fight side by side with the US Government." "Sweet Little Baby Jebus, he assured me that we can continue our secret perversions and homosexual fantasies as long as we want. The information gathered from those activities is to help protect the Christian people from gods that might try to attack them." "This may sound a bit like the Patriot act, but I assure you it is not."
Jesus and God have both refused to comment. Which leads this man to believe information has been secretively being gathered against Christians of the world for quite some time. Jehovah replied through a subordinate; "We can't believe that Christ and his Father have sunk to the kinds of levels being indicated by these reports." "Didn't they learn from the FBI's usage of the Patriot Act?" Allah replied in an official statement but we couldn't understand what the messenger was saying; it sounded like the messenger had something in his mouth and a lot of congestion.
The Vatican will continue to plead for the rights of Christians everywhere. "These Gestapo tactics will not be tolerated." "We have already begun looking into religions that do not advocate this kind of behavior." "The Wiccans are excited and have begun to solicit us for our aid and have officially remarked, "The past is water under the bridge, you remember water right? No metal spikes or torture devices over here, just worldly love." The Vatican has remarked they first want to verify the interest rates offered by the Wiccans. "We're not going to keep our money buried in the forest if that's what you think. It took too many years of crusading and inquisitions to earn this money."
Satan commented briefly through a messenger. Hillary Clinton stated, "Satan merely wants the world to know, "I told you so, fallen Angel my ass; Free Thinker!!! That's what I was.""
We can only hope the Holy Family will stop their reign of mafia like tactics and let us masturbate again in peace. I sure hate to think of my family up in Heaven eating popcorn watching my activities. I'm not sure it will stop me but it may be time to "ixnay" the inflatable transvestite sheep for awhile.
Bless our families and lets hope they forget what they've seen before we get to see them again. Who wants Uncle Tom to walk up to us in Heaven and greet us with a big hug and a "Did your butt ever heal from that thing? It was freaking huge." That's not embarrassing at all.
So play with yourself if you must, just watch using the electro-shock love enhancer with the thing in your butt. That could just get weird. Just when you thought it was safe to wash yourself as fast and hard as you wanted to, you realize your grandma is watching you.