Friday, March 16, 2007

Heaven is Hell these days..

Thunder from Heaven.

Sources in Heaven report the Family isn’t doing so well recently.

“I happened to be sitting out in the hall when the fight began.” A secret source revealed. “All I heard was JC yelling about the dying thing didn’t prove the point to Him (God) and JC said "What am I going to have to do become an Atheist?”"

The Vatican and everyone that relies on religion for money isn’t too keen on this idea. Cardinal Luis Santiago indicates that the Vatican has been considering sacrificing a virgin like in the movie King Kong. “We watched it last week.” the Cardinal said.

“I don’t want anyone to get upset” said the source “but JC is pretty mad. He broke a harp and kicked at a flock of doves.” The source continued “JC isn’t normally like this, you know he hangs out and gives a hand every once in a while, but with all this trouble being caused about Heaven watching everyone all the time, everyone here is stressed out.”

As you may recall from a previous post Heaven is under scrutiny because the world wants to wank in privacy. It has been suggested that heaven only watch during the daylight hours, however some advocacy groups fear the end of the “Nooner” should that happen. Benny Callista of New York City has this to say; “If heaven watches over me during the day when am I going to get my sex on? Huh? I drive a fucking bus at night; when you think I’m gonna get mine, while I’m in the fuckin’ bus?”

Outrage like this can be heard echoing from around the world. What’s even more disconcerting is the question of how can Heaven control who they watch when they’re watching. This is where the pressure on Christ is coming from currently. Unfortunately Christ was unavailable for comment.

It seems Heaven has been Hell lately according to multiple sources. Will Christ become an Atheist? Will Heaven have to stop watching the world at wanking? “Look Christ and his Dad have had fights before,” says one source close to the Family “I mean a guy can’t go much further than getting crucified to prove a point. Oh and you think that was really about mankind? Ha! JC wanted to get a tattoo and his dad wouldn’t let him; point proved if you ask me.”

Public scrutiny of the Family has echoed throughout the ages. Why does a 2000 year old man live with his Dad? Rev. Fred Phelps has been seeking out the gates of Heaven to hold a protest in searching for this answer. We can only hope some crazed gunman will show the Rev. Phelps the way very soon.

As for now though a slight calm has over taken Heaven as they seek to eliminate the sacrilegious blogger that keeps pretending he has clue about anything that goes on. Lets hope they can’t find him.

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