Thursday, March 15, 2007

Predicament

I recently spent 9 days in Kuwait. Imagine a place on the ocean. Imagine interesting architecture and a culture that is fascinatingly different. Then imagine all of that with a homeless guy blow drying his ass in your face...Thats Kuwait.

The smell wasn't my biggest worry though. It was McDonalds. I went to a McDonalds run by the same guys that run 7 Elevens in the States. I ordered the normal 3 Quarter Pounders with Cheese...Hold the shit and put just pickle and onion on it. Man that sounds so good to me. I got them. Man it was heaven...They were in the Styrofoam containers of yesteryear, Good god not only did an animal die for my pleasure but now my container would be in the ground for centuries; what a great day. I just knew once I delved into that burger I'd have to change my pants. God I couldn't wait. The squeak of the carton opening the wafting charred flesh smell rising to my nose driving me into an olfactory orgasm. The soft bun giving under the strength of my burger hardened fingers. Oh sweet ecstasy!!! Praise be to Allah, he doesn't have grass but he has a burger and it's name is Quarter Pounder.

As I raised the burger to my quivering lips my mouth opened as a soft moan of pleasure escaped in anticipation of joyous junk food sustaining my life and dreams.

I bit into the soft yeasty bun with the slight hint of toasted sesame seeds and sweet bread. Oh sweet lord lay your hands upon my supple flesh, what divine pleasure I was about to experience.

I clamped down like a prisoner in the electric chair. The juices of the glorious Quarter Pounder flooding my mouth...like...like...raw sewage. WHAT THE FUCK!!!! It was like getting a hot chick in bed and finding out she has a dick and it's bigger than yours.

What the fuck can you do to ground meat to make it taste like year old biological waste? The onions even tasted fucked up. I had 3 of them. Do you know what it takes to eat 3 disgusting Quarter Pounder imitations? I was sick for hours. I rifted fucking sewage for 3 days.
I'm not sure whats worse. The fact that I ate 3 of them even though I was thinking about sucking rotten Hamburger Helper from a Lepers ass the whole time, or that the food here is so bad I'd knock over a one legged man to get to another one right now?

You decide. However, stay in America the burgers are better and you can understand the guy behind the counter even if he is a retard.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dude,

It'll be weeks before I can eat at McD's again. Sweet.

Grab all the Katsup you can find and put it all otver the bun and toss the meat in the trash. At least the fiber will keep you regular.

Keep kicking ass and taking names.

Josh said...

LMFAO!!!

My God Man! You're warped.

"I rifted fucking sewage for 3 days."

I almost fell off my chair laughing...

Anonymous said...

Thats what happens when you make burgers out of camel ass, I mean its not like they got any cows in that desert.

Max